I liked studying when I was young; I’m not saying about the mere memorization of meaningless stuffs. Roughly, reading books, delving into numerous poems made my life fruitful and vivacious. People said it would be impossible, but I cried reading the masterpieces of Dostoevskii when I was yet 7 years old. Maybe I’ve read one of his books for more than 20 times. I wrote poem then. The title was 'Studying.’ Reading articles, analyzing books, and finding the relationships between different concepts was intriguing. While others felt tedious about doing assignments, I was excited because those assignments were opportunities for me to find new aspects in understanding particular concepts.

           I was surely the beneficiary of this rapid development propelled by reading a lot  of books. However, it also conversely affected me. First, I became afraid of saying ‘wrong’ things. I wanted to be a student who always follows the ‘right’ path, because that is what others expected from me. The test score plainly mattered to me. When I got something wrong on my test, I cried and screamed all night in the bed, hitting myself. Even, I framed myself into the social norms. I was very sensitive to the zeitgeist, hence I forced myself to learn and absorb the concept of moralities that were prevalent in the society. When I was asked some questions that require my own interpretation of moralities, my answers were thus ‘perfect’. Adults thought that I was a smart kid who realized the principles of the world at the early age.

           My mother liked me being smart, so started to force me to study. I had to suffer from the inundation of books and assignments that I did not want to do. Materials from the academies made me to learn numerous facts and knowledges; however, I lost the opportunities to reconsider the social norms that I just coerced myself to memorize. I even started to dislike ‘studying’ because I was merely forced to study. My mother did not want me to rest. She gave me numerous stuffs to do, and I was punished if I do not finish those completely. I started to realize that something was going wrong. Those things didn’t make me happy as before. I did not tell my mother, but I thought that everything was terrible.

           After six years of horrible elementary school years, I entered to middle school. It was dormitory school, so my mother wasn’t there. No one forced me to study and memorize things. I just had to be ready for few regular tests. There, my life has encountered new things. I learned the fact that emotion really matters in human lives. Roommates, Classmates, and club friends were all entangled with numerous conflicts. Just memorizing things and getting good scores in the test didn’t solve any problems happening among them. Understanding others and comprehending myself were prioritized. Three years of dormitory life made me to think of the ‘social norms’ again, which I just absorbed without doubt. It naturally made me to think of the essence of human beings, and the standard of rights and wrongs. My interest towards books and poems reappeared. I started to write poems or short novels. However, I became a skeptical person: dark, gloomy person who always questioned about myself. Although I endeavored to find my own answers in between the social norms and moralities, I could not completely give my own answer for my questions. Since then, literature became my friend. As I wrote the poems and novels, I definitely could say that the things inside my poems are 'my' things. It was the only thing that I did not need to lie in front of other people. The word choice, the topic I wanted to convey inside the poem, and the tone of my poem were all mine. Thus, I could not give up literature. Without it, I thought that I can never find something that I can genuinely say that it is mine.

           However, I did not like my style of writing. It was yet young, naïve, and light. I even tried to give up writing poems because reading my incomplete writings made me unpleasant. Then, I met ‘Thornapple’Thornapple after entering KMLA. Their lyrics, the tone of the song were the things that I admire. They were writing things that I really wanted to write. Their songs were like a blue swamp; inescapable and heavy. Since then, I listen to their songs every moment, and I can’t live without their songs. Just one listening of the song explains everything. They make me cry.